Some Dog Humor We Have Collected for Your Enjoyment.

When Owners Begin to Look Like Their Dogs

Why Dogs are Better Than Cats

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.  

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg.  

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg."  

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern) Dobimin Pinches.  

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg.  

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Mean Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.  

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg.  

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetching Dawg.  

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg.  

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg.  

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs.  

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg.  

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg.  

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg.  

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg.  

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What Kinda Dawg Is That?"  

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg.  

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg.  

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg.  

(Yankee) Any dog that's died and been buried and gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had.
 

A Dog Named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex. Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.

Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning." I said, "I am looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday.
 

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Cold War

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." That's nothing", an American replied."We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

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Molly's In Heat

A little boy comes in from school and asks if he can take his dog, Molly for a walk. "You can't, dear, Molly's in heat." said the mother.
"What's heat, Momma?" asked the boy.
"Your Dad's out in the garage. You better go ask him." said Momma.
"Hey Daddy, I want to take Molly for a walk, but Momma says I can't cause she's in heat. What's heat?"
Well, the Dad was cleaning some tools in some gasoline. He took a rag, dipped it in the gasoline and rubbed it all over Molly's rear end. "Don't worry about it, son. This will fix her." With that the boy took Molly for the walk.
About twenty minutes later he returned without the dog. "Where's Molly,son?" the Dad asked.
"She ran out of gas about two blocks away, Daddy." answered the boy. But don't worry, one of the neighbor's dogs is pushing her home."

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Dog Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it' mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

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The Difference between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
They must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I
must be a god!

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Karate Dog

 Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way."

Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my butt!"

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Dead Doggie?

A woman goes to the vet. She says, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog. He hasn't moved all day."

The vet examines the dog and says, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid your dog is dead."

"Dead! How can he be dead? He was just fine yesterday. Are you sure he's dead? Isn't there some other test you can run?"

The vet leaves and returns in a moment with a pet carrying case. He opens the case and a large cat emerges. The cat plods over to the dog and sniffs around its head. It then circles the dog, sniffing and poking around. After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage.

"Well," says the vet, "that pretty much proves it. He's dead."

"I guess you're right," says the woman, now coming to grips with what happened. "At least you did your best. How much do I owe you?"

"$230."

"$230?! For what? All you did was tell me my dog was dead. What did you do that costs $230?"

"Well it's $30 for the office visit," says the vet, "and $200 for the cat scan."

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A Dog Fight

A man walked into a bar and immediately called out, "Who is the owner of that Saint Bernard tied up outside?"

A man replied, "It's mine. Why do you ask?"

The first man walked up to him and said, "I'm sorry, but my dog just killed your dog."

The owner of the Saint Bernard was shocked, "Are you kidding me?! That dog is huge! He's bigger than my car!"

The first guy explained, "Well, he choked on my Chihuahua

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Does your Dog Bite?

There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the tourist asked. The old man replied, "Nope."

So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bit!"

The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."

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The Cutest Dog

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

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Four Men Bragging About How Smart Their Dogs Are.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog: "T-Square", do your stuff. T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said: "Slide Rule", do your stuff! Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said: "Measure", do your stuff. Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

The three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Government worker called to his dog and said: "Coffee Break", do your stuff. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the circle of paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for workmen's compensation, and went home on sick leave.

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